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You guys can be seated at this time.

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Good morning. I am Chris and I am in recovery. I will be reading today's verse from Luke chapter 15, verses 17 to 20. When he came to his senses, he said, How many of my father's hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death. I will set out and go back to my father and say to him, Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants. So he got up and went to his father. But while

Scripture Reading From Luke 15

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he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him. He ran to his son and threw his arms around him and kissed him. This is the word of the Lord.

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Well, hello, Northgate. My name is John, and uh it's great to be back with you. Uh I've been here before, but I bring greetings from Southern California, a little town called Hemet. It's where I live. Anybody know where Hemet is? Oh, your grandparents live there? That's what I get most of the time from people, even though that place has drastically changed since those days. Uh, but it's great to be here. Uh my wife's not able to be with me today, but in case you didn't know this, um, she is like the most innocent, kind,

A Funny Story And A Serious Point

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loving person. In fact, if I needed something like illegal to be done, I would not ask her. I would ask my secondborn. Anyone else? Just go straight to the secondborn kid, right? Well, I love Northgate. I love this church. Thanks for having me back again. Uh, your pastor Lawrence is just a great friend. I've known him since he was like in elementary school. That's how far back we go. Um, I wasn't in elementary school at the time. I'm quite a bit older than him, but it is great to be back with you guys. And um, I'm gonna tell you uh something that happened with my wife and I. So I gave you the little pre-story there about how sweet she is, right? So we're in a little restaurant called the Burger Lounge. It's uh, I think it's a Southern California chain. I don't know if they have any up here, but we were in Coronado Island with some friends and just the four of us. And the way this little place works is you go up and you order your food, and then you go find a place to sit. And we had already ordered, we'd already found a place to sit, and we already had our food. The problem was we were right near the register, and so the line, like this is our table. People would just be right next to our table looking at us while we're eating, right? And so this one lady, she's walking, she looks over and she's like, double, double take of my wife, and she's she goes, I'm I'm sorry. Um, you look so familiar. Is there a reason I should know you? Or do we know each other? And without even thinking, I just said. Well, the reason she looks familiar is because she's been on the news a lot lately. She's just got out of prison and it's kind of a big deal. I don't know why I said that, right? My wife is stunned, the couple we're with is like nobody knows what to say. This poor lady is just like, well, I hope it works out for you. She's still by our table. She can't go anywhere. Uh we all had a good laugh about it, and it was fun. I will say this though, my quick mouth has gotten me in serious trouble before, too. I have hurt my wife and I've hurt friends and I've hurt people. I'm probably the only one that does this, but if somebody says something that kind of hurts me, I typically just like shoot right back something, a better zinger that makes them hurt even worse. I know I'm probably the only one, right? But we can hurt people with our words, and we can hurt people with our neglect. And we can hurt people with our abuse. And maybe as we look back on our life, we realize that we have hurt people. Now I'm loving this series you guys are in. It's been phenomenal. And uh, this it's a great book by by John Orbrook, this this book Steps. And uh, if you haven't gotten it, or if maybe if you're just new, maybe this is your first time, I encourage you to go back and watch some of these other weeks, especially watch last week, because I I need to kind of build on what Lawrence was doing last week. But just know this when we think about all the ways that we've hurt people, like that that's a long list. But the list you looked at last week were were the actual people you hurt,

Naming The People We Have Hurt

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and that's a hard thing to just sit and do, and and to own some of the pain that we've brought into other people's lives. Like that list is an important list, and we're gonna spend a little bit more time on that again today. But something Lawrence said last week, it stopped me in my tracks. In fact, I hit pause while I was watching. He said, the line to God runs through the person you hurt, and I had to sit with that and think about that because that's that's heavy stuff, and then it's easy for us to maybe just brush stuff under the rug. But the reality is that that line to God, my my closeness to God. In fact, Jesus talks about this in the Sermon on the Mount. I'll come back to that later. He talks about this very thing, but but the way that I deal with the person that I hurt, the way that I deal with the person who's hurt me, those things right there, they they have a direct line to our God and our relationship with him. Now, I want to start with uh a passage in Hebrews, Hebrews chapter 12. And he says this in verse 14 and 15. He says, Make what's the what's the next two words? Every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy. Without holiness, no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God, and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. That that bitter root is what we're really addressing in weeks eight and weeks nine. So, so what we're gonna

Bitterness Grows When We Avoid Repair

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do is we're gonna talk about making amends. Now, the word amends comes from the word mend. So we're talking about mending and healing some of these relationships and some of these things today. But I like I said, I want to go back a little bit just to kind of touch base with what you talked about last week. And and I would say this way, we got to make a list of those I've harmed and what I did. Before we we go have the conversation, we're gonna talk about how to do that. We've got to make sure we have this list. So, in case you missed last week, this is where you got to start. You got to make a list of those that we've harmed and then and and what I did in that, right? And so here's another thing that Lawrence said that I loved. He says, buried isn't healed. Buried isn't healed, brushed under the carpet tends to come back and bites us later. It's the bitter root that grows up. And then because we haven't dealt with it properly, right? Then that that baggage comes into the next relationship, that baggage comes into the next friendship, that baggage, that bitter root of those problems tend to kind of come along with us. So you can say, well, wait a minute, uh, John, I I don't know that I've actually hurt anyone. Oh, I thought you might say that. So I've given you some thought starters. Are you ready? Here we go. Debts, broken promises, overcontrolling, over possessive, hypercritical, abusive verbally, abusive emotionally, abusive physically, forgetting, neglectful, unfaithful, lying. Have we stirred anything yet? You know, you can pop any faces or names that come in there. That's what we need to do. And John Orberg in this book says this, and this is kind of our key thought for the day. Amends are the regenerating agents that make the miracle of healing possible in our relationships and in our souls. So that covers last week quickly, but now let's get into this. Number two, think how I'd like others to make amends to me. As I'm as I'm thinking about how how do I do this, I need to think, how would I like to receive this? If somebody came to me and said, I need to make amends with you because I've hurt you. Like, what does that look like? In our family, we have two daughters, they're both in their 30s now. But when they were little, we had a thing. We just we had a statement, maybe. It would go something like this Hey, make it right. Make it right meant that one daughter goes to the other

How You Would Want Amends Done

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daughter and says, I'm sorry, I poked you in the eye. You know, whatever it was. So they had to say I'm sorry, and they had to say what it was. Not just, I'm sorry. No, no, what did you do? So making it right was this complete idea of making amends. It was like owning their pardon. It wasn't, I'm sorry, you're a dork. No, no, it doesn't work like that, right? No, I'm sorry for what I did, right? I that's what I'm sorry for. I'm sorry you're such a sissy and heard what I said in a way that hurts your feelings. No, that's not that's not helpful at all, right? Luke 6, 31. These are Jesus' words. Do to others as you would have them do to you. So how do I want somebody else to make amends to me? How would that look? How would that feel? How can I get there as I'm preparing to do this with somebody else? Now, the statement that might help us just get started is real simple. Like I have been reflecting on some things in my life, and I've realized that I've wronged you or hurt you, and I'd like to make amends. That's like a starting point. Now we're gonna talk about how we we frame that and and all of that, but let's do this first. Here's three questions. If we're gonna do this in a way that I would like to receive it, there's three questions I've got to ask as I'm preparing this amends conversation. The first one is what's the right time? What's the right time? Are you ready? For them, not for you. Like let's just say it's it's something that happened maybe with a family member that lives in the same house, right? So, like the best time is not as they're leaving, like, oh, by the way, I was a dork, sorry, you know, or

Time Attitude And Appropriateness

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if they put their head down on the pillow at night, like, oh, I really need to like unburden myself. Like, those are not good times. Like, what's the good time for them? And then think of it this way: what's the best time for this conversation to be most beneficial and fruitful? Like, what's the best time? And and we got to figure this out because if we're gonna have a conversation, which is really what we want to do, we need to not only be able to say what we need to say, we also need to be able to listen to what they say in response. So I need a time when that person can absorb the information that we're giving. Maybe it's somebody we haven't seen for a long time, and I gotta make an appointment, or I gotta figure this out, or maybe, maybe I have this chance moment where I run into them. I gotta still make sure it's it's this is the right time for them to hear and receive what I'm trying to say. Ecclesiastes chapter eight. I love this. It says this those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right. For there is a time and a way for everything, even when a person is in trouble. We got to find the right time and the right way. Second question is what's the right attitude? And we're talking about ourselves, not the person we're talking to. What's my attitude need to look like? Like, have you ever had somebody share with you the right words just in a really horrible way? Yeah, I have. It doesn't go down very well, right? And so in Ephesians 4, 15, he's talking about the family of God and how we interact with each other in the family of God. But there's this key phrase that comes out of this. He says, instead, we will speak the truth, what? In love, growing in every way, more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. Love is the primary attitude, but it's also the motivator, it's also the method, like, like everything that we're doing in this conversation needs to be saturated in love. Like, how would I like someone to come and talk to me if they wanted to come and ask me for amends? Like, I would want them to do that in humility, in privacy. Like, I would like them to be sincere about it, not making justification or or excuses. That's how I would like them to do that for me. I that's how I need to do that for them. And if possible, and if necessary, even make restitution. Maybe, maybe what you're you're gonna go and unburden yourself with is the reality that you hurt them because you never paid them back from that loan. And so part of this is you actually paying them back. You you talked about Zacchaeus last week. Remember the first thing he says? Like Jesus comes to his house, the first thing he does, I'm gonna give half of everything I have to the poor. And if I've wronged anybody, I'm gonna pay them back four times the amount. Like he wasn't just, you know, even Stephen. He was gonna go overboard. And that's when Jesus said, salvation has come to this house. Not because he had given something away, but you could see the fruit of the change in his life when he was ready to really truly make restoration happen. The other, the other attitude, though, that I know I've needed is is is a big word called contrition. Contrition is all about being contrite. It's it's about owning like my part in this. Psalm 71 is a beautiful prayer from David after some horrible sins that he had committed. And he goes to God and confesses, but then he says something towards the end of this psalm. In Psalm 16 and 17, he says it this way you do not light in delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it. You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit. Listen, a broken and contrite heart, God, you will not despise. A contrite heart is this specifically. I'm not sorry I got caught. I'm sorry I did this. And that's the attitude I need to take to somebody else. Like, I need to make some things right. I I want to make amends. But again, I'm I'm owning what I did in this. Now, most of the cases that I thought about throughout, you know, in the last few months, just thinking about this message. The most of the cases I thought about where I needed to own up to something I did is like there was some stuff they did at the same time, too. You know what I'm talking about? It's like, we probably wouldn't have had this problem if they weren't a dork, but they were, and I said what I shouldn't have said, or I did what I shouldn't have done. But if they would have been a little bit, maybe that wouldn't have happened. I'm not talking about their part in this. I have to own up to my part, and my my contrition is about me owning my part. Not sorry I got caught. Sorry that I did that. Sorry that it had its effect of hurt and pain. But another question I have to ask, and this is the complicated one, is is this appropriate? Meaning, if I go to this person right now, I might feel better by getting it off my chest, but I might actually make things worse. Right? In the 12 steps, this is how they say it. Make amends wherever possible, except when doing so would injure them or others. You know, I've seen it. I've seen it where somebody tries to go back to an old girlfriend or old boyfriend and and and kind of like unburden themselves for what they did and just say, I'm I'm sorry, but but man, they're in a new relationship or they have a family, and that would bring out some other issues. And like, I don't, I don't know the best way to even describe like how do we decide when this might be actually harmful and when it may not. I think a lot of prayer, maybe some wise counsel, but we need to be discerning in this kind of stuff. Proverbs 12, 18 says, the words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. We we don't want to be reckless with our attempts to make amends. So let's get into how we put this all together. And we'll just say this. We're gonna craft our words, C-R-A-N-F-T. And I'll explain that and give you some really hopefully helpful tools as you put all this together. But let me just give the backdrop of the key story that we wanted to use. This is in Luke chapter 15. In fact, in Luke chapter 15, Jesus tells three consecutive stories. Maybe you know this. There's the lost sheep, the lost coin, and then the lost son. And in the story of the last, the last one, the lost son, we call it the prodigal

The Prodigal Son And A Way Back

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son. By the way, Jesus didn't give it that title. I would have given it the title, The Parable of a Father's Love. I think the key player is the father, right? But in each case, he's saying, here's something that's lost. And when it's found, there's a great celebration and a party. The sheep is found, party, the coin is found, party. The son comes back home and it is found, party. Like he's saying, this is what God is like. This is how he feels about somebody who's lost and needs to come back to a relationship with him. That's the story that's going on, right? So he starts into the story, and Jesus says this there's a man who has two sons. The one son, he asks for his inheritance early, which is a little awkward. Like, Dad, I wish you were dead, but you're not. Can I have my money now? That's kind of what's going on, right? So he takes his money and he runs off to a foreign land and he squanders it all. His big brother says later, with prostitutes and parties. He blows it all. And when the money's gone, guess what? The friends are gone, the good times are gone. And Jesus, a Jew, talking to his Jewish audience to make sure they know how bad it's gotten. He says, the son now is feeding pigs as a job. And he's wanting what they're eating. That's how hungry he is. And he sits there in this mess and then this humility and he comes up with a plan. He crafts a plan to go back home. Now he's not being sneaky, he's being honest about owning his part in all of this. And he says this in Luke 15, beginning in verse 7. He says, When he came to his senses, that's while he's feeding the pigs. When he came to his senses, he said, How many of my father's hired servants have food to spare? And here I am starving to death. I will set out and go back to my father and say to him, Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I'm no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants. So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him. He ran to his son and threw his arms around him and kissed him. By the way, if we keep reading, it would say this. The son begins his speech that he had crafted. Father, I've sinned against God and I've sinned against you. I'm not worthy to be one of you. And his dad's like, shut up. Boom, you're home. Boom, big bear hug, puts a robe on him, puts a ring on his finger, and throws a party. Now it'd be awesome if when we go to make amends, somebody would just cut us off and just say, Don't worry about it. We're all good. That would be awesome. It doesn't always work that way. But in this story, the son goes home to make amends. So let's just work our way through this a little bit. Now, John Orberg in his book says, Step eight happened at the pig trough. Step nine happened at the front porch. So he decides, makes his list. Um dad. And he goes home. And while he's going home, he's he's crafting this whole conversation. So let's do this. Craft. C-R-A-F-T. The C stands for conversation. The prodigal son works on his conversation the whole time. By the way, a conversation is both directions, right? So we may have something to say, but we need to prayerfully be prepared for them as they absorb what we just said. It might actually resurface emotions and pain. And we need to be ready to then be

CRAFT Conversation And Recall In Practice

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quiet and listen to them and learn. Like a conversation goes both ways. So part of the C for conversation is us just preparing that not only do I need to say something in the right way, I need to be able to listen in the right way. The R is for recall. And then the reason he uses the word recall is this. When I think back to a situation, I typically think of how everybody else wronged me. My mind doesn't naturally go to the things that I did that wronged other people. And so the recall for me is difficult unless I begin to put myself in their shoes. Maybe I I personally feel like justified. I said what I said because of something that they had done, but I need to I need to put myself in their shoes. So I had to do this. I had a a friend and a staff member that um I was I was moving from one role to another role. And uh it was kind of like a long time coming, and they were not happy. And so I said, Hey, I know you're not happy. Let's let's do this. And they were like, Okay, thanks. Thanks for letting me serve in that area, and I'm gonna focus on this area now. And two weeks later, I found out that they were mad at me and that I had fired them and that a bunch of people left the church. I I thought the conversation went well. In fact, we prayed together at the end of the conversation. There was like thank yous and and all of this, right? I thought I thought we were fine. No. Their family and our family were close. In fact, our daughters are still best friends. But we really rarely saw them for years after this. It just so happened. I'd been thinking about it, brain about it. Like, I gotta figure out a way to talk to this person. And we we our church is right across the street from a high school, and we live on the back side of that high school, so I'm like a half mile from home. But that high school is an area where a lot of people walk, they like to walk around. It's it's a mile around it. So they go, hey, I can make four laps, that's that's four miles. I can do from this corner to this corner, and that's enough. Oh whatever. What out it's just it's a mile. And so I'm walking home one day, which I rarely do. I'm a half mile and I still drive. Anyway, I'm walking home one day and I see her walking this way.

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And I'm

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Like, God, is this the moment? So I said, hey, can I talk to you for just a moment? And she just stopped and said, I want to apologize for what happened.

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I said, it was never my intention to hurt you, but this I understand that what I said did hurt you. And I need to apologize for that. So it was a very brief conversation. She said nothing in return. I, you know what? I would have loved for him to say, man, thank you. This has been heavy on my heart too. And I was a real idiot back in those days. I wanted her to say that. She didn't say that. But I got it out. I said what I needed to say. And I let her know. I really do. I still care about her and her husband and her kids. And uh they they actually moved out of the area. I heard a little bit later that she had had a heart attack. And uh she survived that, but that was another opportunity. So I reached out and we began to text back and forth. And I realized, you know what, we we can't have a conversation. We're never going to be close again. I know that. But by having that one conversation, and and by the way, the only reason I had that conversation is I really tried hard to put myself in her shoes. Because from my side of things, I didn't see it. But I realized that the way I said some things really did hurt her, right? The A is for apology. Now I'm gonna give you a little phrase and I want you to repeat it with me. Okay, here we go. This is not for the faint of heart.

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This is not for the faint of heart.

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This is about owning my part.

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This is about owning my part.

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Okay, one more time. This is not for the faint of heart.

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This is not for the faint of heart.

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This is for owning, this is about owning my part. Okay, so the apology is about owning my part on this. By the way, when I was 17 years old, it was the turning point in my life. I'm

Apology Needs Contrition Not Excuses

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I gotta give you the short version. Maybe next time I'm here, I can give you the full version. But I was out drinking with my friends. I came home. I had never come home before, always stayed at somebody else's house that night. I came home, my parents realized I'd been drinking. My dad followed me down to my room after I got home and he says, Son, have you been drinking? My mom's right behind him crying. That wasn't fair. Anyway, um, son, have you been drinking? I said, Yes, sir, I have. He says, Okay, we'll talk tomorrow. And so the next morning I go up, I sit at the table, my mom's making breakfast, my dad's sitting there. Small talk for just a couple of minutes. And I said, Dad, just let me have it. I know what I did was wrong. Let me what's the punishment? I was going into my senior year, I was afraid I'd be locked in my room for the next five, six months. And my dad said to me, He says, I can see that you've changed. No punishment. See, what he saw was what we talked about earlier, a contrite heart. I wasn't sorry I got caught. I was sorry that I'd been living two lives, one at church and one at school. And that was the night God got a hold of my life for real. The forgiveness is the letter F. I don't even have time to go into this, but I hope Lawrence has told you guys that he went with me to Cambodia a couple years ago. And the actual stories of grace and forgiveness there are unreal. Like our friend that leads the ministry there, his name is Christopher. He's he's Cambodian. His family was many of them were killed when the Khmer Rouge came in. Paul Pak came in, killed 1.5 to 3 million Cambodians. But Christopher has actually gone to the very people from the Khmer Rouge

Forgiveness And The Courage To Talk

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army who killed his family and taken Jesus to them. And he's building churches through them. Many of them are pastors now. Guys who were who are heads in that military program. The T is for talk. You know, we can we can craft our words, we can pray about what to say, but there's ultimately a point where we want to talk. But again, like a conversation, it goes both ways. I need to be able to listen again. Here's what John Ortbrook said one more time. Amen's are the regenerating Asians that make the miracle of healing possible in our relationships and in our souls. Again, back to the prodigal son. The son didn't even get to finish his speech that he had crafted. We don't always get that. But our prayer is not that they would respond the right way. Our prayer is that we would say it with love and compassion and true sorrow for the way that we had hurt them. And here's what I know when we do those kinds of things, like we're talking about in this whole series, then people, when they come into this place, I'm not talking about the building, I mean the church, the people. When people come into this place, they know something. They know immediately. They they sense it out in the parking lot, they sense it when they walk in the lobby, they sense it when they walk into this space because they've been around the people and they know this is a safe place. And even though I've blown it,

Safe At Home And A Father’s Welcome

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and even though I've struck out, and even though I've fallen flat on my face, like a father in that story, there's people here who are going to put their arms around me and say, it's all right, let's walk together. Came across a story a friend of mine sent me, and neither one of us found out who it was from. It's apparently a true story. Little boy tells the story. He's an adult now, but he's looking back when he was eight years old on the eight to 10-year-old little league baseball team. He was not just the youngest, but he was also pretty scrawny, small, and his uniform just kind of hung on him. He says he was living in Iowa at the time, and 60 of his relatives made the trip for his very first little league game, but he wasn't any good. The crowds were full, and they put him in right field. You know why you put a kid in little league and right field, right? Like hopefully they'll never have to touch a ball. And he didn't. He never touched the ball with his bat either. He struck out three times. He says, then it got worse. Bottom of the ninth inning, two outs, bases loaded, down by one run, and it's his turn to bat. He looks at the coach with that kind of um, if there's any way that this cup could pass from me kind of look. And the coach is like, nope, everyone plays, take your swings. He gets up there, strike one. He didn't even see the ball. And he looks back out there and he realized he's not gonna get a hit. This guy's 6'8 with a full beard. Like, that's what he appeared to. Like, strike two, never saw it. He thinks to himself, if I don't swing, I'm just going down looking. So he starts swinging, and sure enough, strike three. You're out. Game's over, you lose. There was an immediate cheer from the other teams, families, and an immediate groan from his. He just went to the dugout, put the jacket over his face. He could hear his own teammates blaming him for the loss, calling him names. He just stayed under there. It was the last game of the day. He says that the crowd cleared out pretty fast. And then he he heard from under his jacket, son, the game is not over. Get back out here. Son, the game's not over. He peeks and he sees his dad on the mound with a glove and a ball, and 60 of his relatives out in the field. His son says, son, his dad says, son, the game's not over. So he grabs a bat, goes out there. Dad starts pitching and he's missing just like he was during the game. It says about 15 pitches in, he finally connected with one that went into left field and he runs to first. The left fielder throws it to somebody out in center field. And so he runs to second. Center field throws it over here to right field where there's old Uncle Harold, who's like 150 years old. He doesn't even see the ball. So he goes, I rounded third. I went home and I slid face first into home, but he said, I'm just dirt everywhere and I'm dusting it off. And then I noticed my dad. Because he's three feet away from me, tears in his eyes. And he says, son, you're safe at home. He says, What started to be the worst day of my life became the best day of my life as 60 of my family members picked me up on my shoulder, on the shoulders, and carried me off, cheering for me. Guys, I just want you to know this church is the kind of a place where no matter how much you've struck out, you're welcome here. And more importantly, you're safe at home. See, every single one of us needs to say something to somebody about what we've done and how we've blown it. We need to make amends with people. But just know this in this process of finding out like how miserable maybe we really are inside, and that's why we've been doing some of the things we do, this is a place you can come. This is a great church. I encourage you just to lean in and be a part of it and serve and and and help others in this journey to be safe at home. Let's pray. God, we thank you. That while we while we may need to talk to somebody else about what we've done, we need to talk to you too. We want to say, God, we're sorry. We not only have we hurt somebody else, we've also hurt you. Not only have we sinned against somebody else, we've sinned against you. So God, thank you for being with us today. Thank you that we've got a place right here where we can be safe at home and discover just how much you love us.

Prayer And Final Blessing

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In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen. Amen. Thank you guys for letting me be here with you today.