That is so good. I'm so glad y'all are doing this series and I'm so glad you're doing the series in that way and including and rooting this in stories. When we get into the weedy, sticky parts of life into the weedy, sticky parts of life it can get really tempting to try to get control and usually we'll use like numbers and statistics to try to understand something. Story explodes. All that Story provides space for nuance, because if we're really going to talk about depression, if we're really going to talk about anxiety and if this morning we're really going to talk about suicide, there's a lot of nuance in that. There's a lot of complexity in there. It can be really hard to be a person. Someone say amen. So it takes story to actually provide space for us to have these conversations. So I won't spend much time this morning really any talking about the numbers. We're going to talk about why it seems that certain times in the year will exacerbate the trends and suicide numbers rise. We won't talk about the disparity between women and men and why it is that it seems that men, by the numbers, are far more likely to live long-term with suicidal thoughts. What I will want to do, what I will try to do if I do my job well is I want to try to reframe and frame what it is we're talking about when we talk about suicide. I want to talk about suicide in the context of the kingdom of Christ, and once we're there, then we can talk about the numbers, and the numbers take on different meanings. Someone say amen. Once we're there, we can talk about medication, and taking meds takes on a different shape if we're talking about suicide, depression and mental health in the context of the story of Jesus in our lives. So when I talk about suicide, this is the sort of the definition is where I'm coming from. When I talk about suicide, up on the board, it'll say it says that suicide is an ending. I've decided at some point I've looked around in my life. I've decided that this is where this ends. That is what suicide is. Suicide is an ending. Endings, though, are parts of stories, and there is more to the story I'm actually living in than I can see from here. That's true all the time. Someone say amen. It is true all the time. Someone say amen, it is true all the time. But when it's really dark in me, then I can't see two steps in front of me much less. The grand story I'm actually living in. Suicide is a decision I make, that this is where my story ends, and part of what we have to confront is that when I'm in that place I don't have the capacity to see, understand or believe the larger story my life actually takes context in.

Y'all call the series Hope and Help. The word hope sets up a lot of stuff in me, and this is the definition of hope I like to work with. It's a little bit poetic. It says hope is not willful ignorance of how bad things are. Somebody give me an amen. No one needs that friend to show up and be like dude, it ain't that bad. You're like bro. I'm down by 38 in the fourth in my life. Don't tell me how bad it is, because I might be sad, but I ain't stupid. Sometimes it really is actually that bad and I ain't stupid. Sometimes it really is actually that bad.

Hope is the expectation, despite all appearances, that things get better and that if things don't get better, walk me on this one, I will work to make them so. It is likely things are actually worse than we know. It is also likely hope is far more enduring and far more available than we have imagined. Our issue, when we talk about suicide, really specifically has a lot to do with the narratives we are living in, the ones we've constructed for ourselves, the ones we've constructed for our cultures and the ones we have bought and sold for one of the ones that we've traded in for the larger story. Let's take a look at the way this actually plays out in the scriptures. Some fascinating stuff here. We know about the conversion of Paul, saul who becomes Paul. I'm going to look at it in this different lens. So we're going to jump to Acts, chapter 9.

Meanwhile, saul was breathing out murderous threats against the Lord's disciples. He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus so that if he found any there who belonged to the way which is the way of Jesus these are Christians early on, whether men or women he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him Saul, saul, why do you persecute me? I love this part. He says who are you Lord? Saul asked I'm Jesus, the one you're persecuting.

I can't always like actually grasp Jesus's tone in the text, right? I don't want to assume a whole lot. I have a difficult time hearing that without some snark on that. You know what I'm saying. He's like who just knocked my horse? And Jesus is like I'm Jesus, the one you're persecuting. You ready to talk now? Saul? Now get up, says Jesus, and go into the city and you will be told what you must do. Hang out there for a second.

Everything Paul's been doing up to this point, right, he had instruction, didn't he? He had authority by the religious body that he belonged to. He was doing what he was told by the powers that be, and he was nailing the job. Everything he was doing up to this point. He was getting right. And then Jesus said boom off your horse, go into the city and you will be told what to do. He is telling him that there's a different story here. There's a different narrative. The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless. They heard the sound, but they did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand to Damascus. And then this for three days he was blind and did not eat or drink anything.

We've been there when everything about the way you thought life was supposed to, everything the way you know, the way you thought life was supposed to work, everything about that stopped working Y'all with me so far. And then, when I looked inside me and I've dealt with it before I've been through some times where, like hey, stuff stops working but I've got the internal fortitude that I can figure this out, and then you look outside and this stuff's not working no more. And then the stuff I used to cope isn't working anymore. That's not a really nice place to be, and even if it is, jesus has knocked you off your horse and sometimes it is. It's a really disoriented place to be that everything you thought about how life was supposed to work, everything you thought about how you were supposed to work, is no longer working. He is blind for three days. So if you want to hit pause and I'm going to give a little bit of a hard teaching, can we handle this real quick?

One of my favorite writers in this area is a guy named Matt Haig. Matt Haig says that we talk a lot about mental health and we talk about what's going on in your head. We do not talk enough about what your head is in. Some of what we're up against right now when we talk about a mental health crisis is not just some stuff bubbling up in us internally and our brain chemistry all flying off the map. Some of what's going on is a full-blown indictment against the way we have chosen to live with one another.

Thank God, when Saul was lost and blind and fully disoriented, he had people around him who said I will take you where you're supposed to go next, and while you were blind, we will feed you and take care of you. There were people around Saul you heard it in the scriptures earlier who and you've been here too he got on, he's off his horse, things are going, and the people around him are like whoa, whoa, what is that? What's going on with you? Right, we have those friends. We don't want to be our brother's keeper, because that's the way our culture has trained us, but if we, as Christians, really want to believe in who we are as Christians, here's what we know. My life is not finish the sentence my own. My life is not my own. That means, if I am healthy, my health does not belong to me. My health belongs to those around me, really specifically to those around me who don't have it in the moment. Part of what we're facing in the mental health crisis in America is that we have chosen to live as a very hyper-individualist country, a hyper-individualist society, and we don't want to be our brother's keeper because it costs us so much to take care of the blind, the sick and the lame. You all with me.

Saul was living in a narrative in which getting it right meant everything, and here's the thing he was getting it right. Saul was up in a narrative in which getting it right meant everything, and here's the thing he was getting it right. Saul was, up to that point, doing nothing wrong. His religion was entirely. This is the law, this is what the law says. We've worked on it, we've interpreted it, and there's this group of people who are doing things that are outside of the law we have to take care of. He was arresting Christians and putting them in prison and, according to the rules of the, paul was invited into a narrative in which he had gotten so much wrong, but he was embraced and commissioned. It wasn't just that Jesus showed up and offered him new information. Jesus upended the story and said everything you know about how life worked up to this point is about to change and you've got to rethink your entire life. And I will help you.

When I was in high school, I was a theater kid Pretend you're shocked and I was pretty good at it. In fact, my drama coach who's really the hero of this story I'm about to tell you he entered me into some contests, like theater contests, which is very nerdy. At one point I was in a Shakespeare competition, which, like that might be, the height of nerdery is. I'm in a Shakespeare competition. I had friends that played football. I'm reading sonnets and trying to win. You know what I'm saying? So I was, I was entering. I was entering to the California Shakespeare competition as a junior in high school. 400 some odd kids entered in from high schools literally all over California and I did exceedingly well. Friday and Saturday I kept getting qualified. On Sunday, at the finals, I was one of seven finalists out of 400 some odd kids from all over the state. One of seven. No, no, no. You think it? No, hold up, you're going to want to take that back Now.

The summer before this competition, kenneth Branagh, who was a phenomenal actor and Shakespearean guru, had put out a film in the theaters that, like Henry V, was the movie you might have seen it, one of the best film in the theaters. Henry V was the movie you might've seen it. One of the best speeches in the whole play is the prologue and, probably because of the movie, about half of the students, half of those 400 students there, were doing the prologue to Henry V. So time after time and competition, just days and days and days of the same monologue, over and over again. Among the seven finalists, four of them were doing the prologue to Henry V. Here's the thing the narrative I was living at the time as a high school kid was that I need to stand out. That was my story. I'm gonna get by in life by being unique, by being different and being talented. That was my story.

So after first three kids went and all of them did the prologue to Henry V, I stood up in front of the judge panelists and I said my name is Justin McRoberts and I'm from Clayton Valley High School and I will be performing the prologue to Henry V. I wasn't. I said no, I'm kidding, I'm not, everyone else seems to be. And then I got a new character. I turned around and I did this monologue from Richard II, which is this dark, brooding character, because I was listening to a lot of the Smiths and the Cure at the time. Now, I don't win, I lose the competition.

This other kid named Adrian wins and he was doing the prologue to Henry V Monday. Tom Wells, my drama coach, says, hey, can you see me at lunch? Go into his office at lunch. And he says, hey, I wasn't supposed to do this but I wanted to look at something and I got the judge's critique sheets from the weekend. I said, oh, whoa, he goes specifically from the finals. I was like, oh, yeah, awesome. He said you did pretty well. I said, really, he goes, yeah, out of a possible 60,. You got a 56. I was like, tom, hey, how about that? How did Adrian do? He goes, yeah, he got a 58. I was like, ah, I missed it by two points, tom, come on. He said, yeah, I want you to flip through to the third judge's critique. And the third judge's critique, at the bottom in red ink, said three-point deduction for being a punk.

My mom was here at the first service. She loves this story. English major, philosophy minor I don't do a lot of math, but if you add the three to the 56, I had one. What I didn't know? When Adrian was winning he was handed the thing was a trophy with, I guess, shakespeare and a scholarship to NYU. Dvc was fine, dvc was fine, but the story I was living was about me.

I was the main character. We sell this to kids. Now we crack wise as if, like you, want to be the main character in your story. Let me tell you some truth right now You're not the main character of your story, and you're not only just not the main character of your story because Jesus Christ is the main character of all stories, but also because you don't have the wisdom, the capacity, the wherewithal and the strength to be the main character of your own story. It's too heavy for you to carry and at some point you trying to be the man it will crush you.

What I wasn't paying attention to was the story that I was a part of Tom Wills' legacy as a Clayton Valley drama coach. He was one of the most story drama coaches in the country. I wasn't even paying attention to that. I was at a Shakespeare competition with students who had memorized Shakespeare and sonnets. I wasn't paying attention to the brilliance of these women and these men around me. I wasn't paying attention to the fact that there was this long tradition of theater that I was a part of. I was so focused on my story, the way I built it, that I actually traded in actual glory for this little trinket. That's one thing. When it's cute and it's just a scholarship to NYU which is the way I tell the story it's just a scholarship to NYU. Dvc was fine, so it's different when the ball you drop runs deeper than that, which is why we're gonna talk about Judas.

Judas when I say the name, I hope what goes off in your mind is what goes off in my mind. He's the bad guy. Judas is the betrayer. What we know about Judas when we talk about Judas is that he betrayed Jesus and he did so for money. Come on, man. Jesus is walking with his disciples for three years and Judas finds an opportunity to sell him out for cash and he does it. That's what I know about Judas. He's the betrayer. But this is why we read the scriptures over and over and over and over again, because at some point, god breaks the way we see it and shows us what's actually happening. Someone say amen, and when we pay attention to the way Judas's friends tell Judas's story. There's more to Judas's story according to his friends than there is even according to me, and definitely according to Judas.

This is the way Luke writes about Judas during the time he was betraying Christ. Now, the festival of unleavened bread, called the Passover, was approaching and the chief priests and the teachers of the law were looking for some way to get rid of Jesus, for they were afraid of the people. Then Satan entered into Judas. That's normally where my brain stops because I'm like dude, you have been hanging out with the Lord, god Almighty, for three years and you are susceptible to Satan right there next to him. What is wrong with you? That's where my brain stops. But look at what Luke writes. Satan entered into Judas, called Iscariot one of the 12th. It's not just Luke. If you jump to Mark Mark talking about the same time period, they're in the garden, at the point at which Jesus is actually being betrayed, and this is the way Mark writes it. He says, just as he was speaking, judas, one of the 12, appeared. With him appeared, and with him was a crowd armed with swords and clubs sent by the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with him. The one I kiss is the man. Arrest him and lead him away under guard.

Before we go on to the next slide, I want you to notice this, luke and Mark they don't gloss over what Judas has done. You see this? He calls him the betrayer and in fact he notices like he kissed him on the cheek, and don't we know that the deepest wounds in our lives always come from the folks who are closest to us, and when we get hurt from this far away, part of who you become in my life is you are that person. I define you. By the way, if we get hurt bad enough, then that's who you are. You're the person who hurt me. But look what the disciples said their brother. When they talk about Judas, they called him one of the 12. Over and over and over again, it happens five different times. What they're saying is yes, this terrible thing is absolutely true about him. He betrayed Jesus and he did so for money, and he did so with a kiss, and he was our brother, he was one of us.

It takes the people around us to see the more of our story, because when we drop the ball hard enough in our own lives when things actually fall apart. That's all I can see, y'all with me, all I can see is how I've blown it. All I can see is what is wrong. All I can see is what is not happening. And it takes the context of community and a Christian saying no, there's more to you than that. Live in that moment, now I get it. But there's more to you than that. Live in that moment, now I get it. But there's more to you than that. One of the folks who had to see Judas that way was Peter, and Peter had to see Judas that way because Peter, during the same time that Judas is betraying Jesus, peter is betraying Jesus. Let's look at it in Luke 22. And when some had kindled this is, by the way, jesus has been arrested Almost in Luke 22. And when some had kindled this is, by the way, jesus has been arrested Almost everyone has scattered.

And there's Peter, one of Jesus's best friends, kind of lurking around but not acting like he knows him. When some there had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and it sat down together, peter sat down with him. I can't call him Pete. A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She looked closely at him and said this man was with him. She identifies him as one of Jesus's persons, which, by the way, was the call Jesus was sending Peter to go say you're one of my people, go tell the world. And Peter says woman, I don't know him. A little later, someone else saw him and said you also were with him, you were one of them. Man, I don't, I am not. He denies him a second time. And then a third time, about an hour later, another asserted certainly, this fellow was with him, for he is a Galilean. And Peter replied man, I don't know what you're talking about. And just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed, because Jesus had said bro, you're going to betray me. That's not where Peter's betrayal ends, though. How many of y'all know that? Because it's not just that Peter denies him, it's that, once Christ has been crucified and it seems that all hope is lost, pete quits and he takes people with him.

This is John 21. I'm going out to fish. Where was Peter when Jesus found him? He was fishing. He quits three and a half years, the mission. He's supposed to be the leader and he says I'm going back, I'm quitting on all this stuff. I'm going back. And then he says this he took people with him. He took people with him and left the mission. He didn't say hey guys, hold on. No, he said I'm quitting, you should quit with me. He told them. They said we will go with you. So they went out and got in the boat, but, but that night they caught nothing, which I love. It's a whole piece of the story where Jesus is like how's the fishing go? It's a fantastic story. You should read it.

In, john, they come to the shore after recognizing Jesus and you know this part of the story. When they had finished eating, jesus said to Simon Peter Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these? First time yes, lord, you know that I love you. Jesus said feed my lambs. Another time again, jesus said Simon, son of John, do you love me? He answered yes, lord, you know that I love you. Jesus said take care of my sheep. The third time, he said to him Simon, son of John, do you love me? Peter was hurt. You're like bro, what You're hurt? Because Jesus asked him a third time do you love me? Lord, you know all things. You know that I love you. And Jesus said feed my sheep.

Here's my guess. My guess is if Peter denied and betrayed him 17 times, how many times do you think Jesus would have asked him do you love me? 17. Because there's not a way for you to drop the ball so bad that he won't come get you ever. There's not a way for you to blow your own life so bad he won't come back and pick up your pieces with and for you. Do you love me? He said yes three times. Because of the three times, and I love this piece Very truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you dressed yourself and went where you wanted.

That was your narrative. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go. That's the new narrative. Peter Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him do you remember what Jesus said to Peter the first time he met him? Follow me, let's start again. Peter was right to be bummed, just like Judas was right to be bummed. Here's the trick, though. The primary difference between Peter and Judas is that Peter stuck around long enough to find out that his failures don't define him, because there is more to his story. Judas ended his own life because he identified himself as the one who betrayed Jesus and he could not carry that guilt. Peter wept bitterly after he betrayed Jesus and then he stuck around long enough for Jesus to come out and say yes, that's true of you, but I got you and we're gonna start over and it's gonna be better this time.

Here's why this matters deeply to me personally. These are some pictures of my dad. My dad was born in. I'm moving over here because I'm a big person and I don't want to get in the way of this tiny, tiny screen you have. My dad was born in South Dakota to a very abusive household Alcohol, drugs, poverty, the whole nine. My dad just would never tell stories about his childhood and the things we heard from his siblings were absolute horror stories. He got out, joined the Navy, ended up in Hawaii that's not a bad assignment Left Hawaii, came to San Francisco in the 1960s and started working in the travel industry and over the course of years he developed some skills and he did something his family had never done before, which is he built a business of his own right here in the Bay Area. Fantastic story.

But all along, while he's building this life, his narrative was this my kid will never suffer the way I suffered. I'm going to be a good provider. Hear me say that that's a really good story, but it's too small a story for a human soul, because when the business started to fail and it did he lost a sense of who he was. And I'm seeing it, I get failed. It wasn't like, oh, it'll turn out okay, it wasn't going to turn out okay. He was going to lose the whole thing. It'll turn out okay. It wasn't going to turn out okay. He was going to lose the whole thing. And what my dad did because of his narrative was this he traded in his presence in my life for the insurance money and at 55 years of age, my dad ended his life. Watch me say this In his narrative, that made sense.

He wasn't wrong to look around and say nothing is working. He wasn't wrong to look around and say I can't handle it anymore. He was right, nothing was working and he couldn't handle it. He was right about that. But there was so much he could not see from where he was Like this See, those are my kids. Those are his grandkids. They're such cool people.

My daughter tells really bad jokes over and over again until you laugh. She's insightful and caring and wise. My son's got grit that I never had when I was his age. He's creative and clever. He would have loved these kids and they would have loved him, which is to say that there were riches available on the other side. Would it have been hard? Yes, it would have been so hard to work through whatever we had to work through, whatever we had to work through to get him from where he was to here, but that's worth it. So here's what I want to leave you with If you're in the room, or if you're online, or you know someone in the room who is online and you're looking around and everything you thought was true is no longer true in you and around you. You might be right, you might be done, but he's not done with you yet Yet.