The Larger Context of Divorce

Speaker 1 0:30

Good morning Northgate . It's always a pleasure when I get the chance to preach here again , and anytime that Larry asks me to fill in or to take one of the sermons I'm always happy to do it . I really do consider it an honor and a privilege . But I have noticed something . So last year when he had the emergency back surgery and he needed me to fill in , we were still in the book of Matthew , with Matthew , chapter five , and I said , okay , sure , I'd be happy to what's the passage . And he gave me the passage , and the passage was from the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says if any man looks at a woman with lust , he has already committed adultery with her in her heart . Okay , thanks . So I preached on that . And then in the summer we did a whole summer series on relationships and he had me do on the mission and the purpose of marriage , which I was happy to do . So when he asked me to fill in this time , I said , okay , what's the passage for that Sunday ? And he said it's chapter 19 , the first beginning of chapter 19 . So I went home and I looked up chapter 19 , verse one , and this is what I read when Jesus had finished staying these things .

Speaker 1 1:42

He left Galilee , went to the region of Judea , to the other side of the Jordan . Large crowds followed him and he healed them there . Some Pharisees came to test him . They asked is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason ? Haven't you read ? He replied that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female . For this reason , a man will leave his father and mother be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh . So there will no longer be two but one flesh . Therefore , what God has joined together , let no man separate . Why then , they asked , did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away ? Jesus replied Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard . But this was not the way from the beginning . And I tell you , anyone who divorces his wife , except for sexual immorality , and marries another woman commits adultery . So I am sensing a pattern coming up here and I'm not exactly sure where it's leading , and I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be preaching on next time . I'm asked , but it seems I always get the hard passages .

Speaker 1 2:52

So today we are going to be talking about divorce , but I want to talk about it in the larger context , because there's a bigger issue at stake here and it actually really goes to the heart of what our theme is at the beginning of this year this idea of being present with God so that we could represent him and represent him to a broken and hurting world . Because certainly when there is divorce , there is brokenness and broken hearts and broken families and hurting people , and so this whole idea of being able to represent Christ to a broken and hurting world becomes really important . So the subject we're going to talk about is , yes , about divorce . It's about something that is much , much bigger and I would dare say , if we did a show of hands today , I would venture to guess that probably everybody in this room has experienced on some level the heartbreak of divorce . Either you went through a divorce yourself , or your parents divorced when you were young and you had to live with that shared parenting thing , or maybe a very close friend of yours ended up divorced . It touches everybody and it's a difficult subject , but we're going to walk through it together this morning . I'm going to kind of unpack it and I want to look at kind of the bigger issue that's behind this whole thing and I'm going to warn you up front , there are parts of this message that's going to get a little technical and it's going to get a lot of historical background and it's going to require a little heavy lifting on all of our parts . So as we unpack this together , I'm really going to ask you to kind of hang with me . Okay , I said there's going to be a little heavy lifting here and I'm going to need you to hang with me , okay , all right , that's better . So here we go .

Questions in Marriage and Divorce

Speaker 1 4:40

It's important , by the way , to notice this whole encounter that Jesus has with Pharisees starts with a question , and that becomes really important because it's all about the questions . It says the Pharisees came to him in verse three , to test him . In other words , they were asking the question , but they had an ulterior motive . They asked him is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason ? Now notice , jesus doesn't answer their question directly . He knows what's going on here , but he doesn't answer their question .

Speaker 1 5:14

In fact , what he does is he goes back to what God's original intent and design was for marriage . He says haven't you read that at the beginning , the creator made them male and female and said for this reason , a man will leave his father and mother , be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh . So they are no longer two but one flesh . There's something that very powerful that happens when we marry . Two people unite their lives in such a way that Jesus said they are no longer two , they are one . My glue stick is giving out here . What he is saying is there is something very , very powerful , something that God is a part of , when we marry , because we are no longer two separate entities , now we are one . In the same way , two pieces of paper glued together like this become one piece of paper . Something very , very powerful happens in God's eyes . He says that's what God's intent was .

Speaker 1 6:35

Of course , they persist and they ask another question . Why , then , they ask , did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away ? The questions that we ask reveal an awful lot about our hearts . They ask these questions and they want an answer , but there's really something else going on when it comes to this idea of being present with God and then representing , or representing Him to a broken , hurting world . I think one of the first things is and this is part of the bigger picture is we need to learn to ask better questions , because the kinds of questions that we ask reveal something about our hearts . Here's where we're going to do some heavy lifting together . I need you to hang with me here . Here it is . All of this question goes back to something all the way back in Deuteronomy 24 , verse 1 , where Moses gave the law . It says this when a man takes a wife and marries her and it happens , if she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her , that he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her away from his house .

Speaker 1 7:53

Now it all hinges on this one word indecency . The Hebrew word and you're going to learn some Hebrew this morning is er-her-va . Say it with me , her-va . Try it one more time Her-va . Okay , you just learned your Hebrew . That's what going to Bible school for four years teaches you , but it's a technical term and , literally translated , has to do with this idea of nakedness or shameful exposure or improper behavior .

Speaker 1 8:26

In Jesus' time , there were two schools of thought , two predominantly predominant schools of thought , by two different rabbis . The one , rabbi Shami . His belief was that this should be interpreted strictly only for sexual immorality or adultery , that that's the only reason for a divorce . And that was Shami's teaching , and those followers of Shami followed that teaching . There was another rabbi named Hillel , and the school of thought with Hillel was they didn't focus on the indecency word , they focused on the first part about finds no favor in his eyes , and so their interpretation of it , or Hillel's interpretation of it , was well , yeah , it includes adultery , but it really has to do with not finding any favor . So it really is just any man , if he didn't like his wife anymore , if she burned the dinner , if she didn't cook meals , if she didn't do the laundry correctly , he could divorce her . And so he came up with this any and every cause , kind of idea of divorce . And these were the two debates . So these Pharisees that come to Jesus , they know these two schools and Jesus knows them , and so they're trying to get him to pick a side . Which is it , jesus ? Is it adultery , sexual immorality only , or is it for any cause ?

Speaker 1 9:49

Now back up a little bit more , because this has to go back all the way back before Moses brought the law In the ancient Near East , in fact in ancient cultures , and even to this day , they were predominantly male-dominated , patriarchal . Men were in charge and , in fact , women were more considered as property than they were as other people . And only a man could initiate a divorce , and if he found someone better or someone he liked more or more beautiful or cooked better meals or whatever , he could just let go of the other one and take a new wife , and they could do that for any other reason . And what happened was for the woman , for the wife that is now sent those side . She has no recourse and she has no means of support , because she was dependent on her husband , and by just sending her away without any kind of certificate of divorce or anything , he could always change his mind and say no , I want you back . No , go away . No , I want you back . No , go away . I want you back , go . You burned the meal , go away . Oh well , you look pretty good today , come on back . You left hanging out there without any recourse and couldn't go and find another husband .

The Importance of Asking Better Questions

Speaker 1 11:07

And so Moses comes along with the law , and what Moses is bringing here is saying no , listen , you can't treat women that way . If you're going to divorce your wife , you need to make it official , no strings attached . She is free now and you can't make any reclaim on her down the line . Really , what Moses brought through the law as God gave it to him , was a means of protecting the woman . But of course it was interpreted in all these different ways . Anybody want to guess which school of thought was most popular in those days the LLLV . But Moses said if you're going to do this , if you're going to divorce , you've got to make it official . You can't just leave her hanging on the side so you change your mind . You can't keep her hanging on the string . You have to give her her freedom . So it was really given the law was given as a protection that you must relinquish all claims and requirements on this woman if you're going to divorce her .

Speaker 1 12:11

That's why Jesus , when he's finally pressed for an answer , he says Moses permitted you . Remember ? They said why did Moses command us to give this written notice ? Jesus says no , no , no , moses permitted you to divorce your wives . Here's the reason because your hearts were hard .

Speaker 1 12:28

But that's not the way it was from the beginning . Hard hearts ask the wrong kinds of questions . We need to learn to ask the better questions . See , the hard heart says how do I get out of this ? How can I fend for myself and not have to worry about anybody else ? What can I get away with ? This happens all the way , but we do this all the time . As a pastor , I would get this all the time . Actually , pastor Larry mentioned it last week when Peter said Lord , how many times do I need to forgive ? Seven times , jesus says , not seven times , 77 times . He's saying no , no , no . It's not about counting how many times to forgive . It's about living a grace-filled life . It's about holding onto grudges and letting it go . It's about living with grace and forgiving one another over and over and over again , not counting up how many times .

Speaker 1 13:32

I get questions all the time from people who say well , what about tithing ? Isn't that an Old Testament thing ? 10% goes to the work of the Lord . We don't have to do that anymore because we're out of the law . Right ? You're missing the point . God has called us to live generous lives . The tithe was only to teach us how to do it .

Speaker 1 13:53

It's a starting point , but when we have hard hearts , we're asking the wrong questions . We're asking what's the minimum requirements ? Can I be a Christian ? Do I still have to belong to a church . I can have a relationship with Christ without being a part of the church . Can't I be a Christian without being a part of the church ? You're missing the point . The point is to be in community to share life with one another , to encourage one another and uphold one another and pray for one another and hold one another accountable . See , that's the better questions .

Speaker 1 14:29

Do I have to serve in a ministry ? I mean , if I'm a Christian , do I really have to serve in a ministry ? You're missing the point . It's the wrong question . God has given you gifts and ability so you could serve in this world , in the church or out in the marketplace . He said we keep asking the wrong questions because of our hardened hearts . The better question to be asking myself what could I do to make my marriage better ? What needs to change in me so that I could be a better husband ? And instead of looking for the loopholes to get out of this , what needs to change in me ? That's the better question . How can I become more generous ? What are ways that I could find to live a more generous life ? How could I better serve someone else ? How could I be more involved in my church , family , in my faith community . See , those are the better questions .

Believing in God's Best, Asking Questions

Speaker 1 15:36

We're always asking the wrong questions because we're looking for the loopholes , and what Jesus came to do was to turn hard hearts into soft hearts and , instead of becoming hard-hearted , to become whole-hearted followers of Him . That's right in our mission statement , but it starts with learning to ask the right questions , and the reason we don't ask the right questions is because we don't really believe that God has our best interest at heart . And so , if we're going to represent Christ in our marriages , in our families , in our own lives , not only do we need to learn to ask better questions , we need to truly believe that God's way is the best way to live , enough to actually do what he says . See , the reason we ask the wrong questions is a reason . It's hard-heartedness , and at the root of that is we don't really believe God has our best interest at heart . So we're trying to find how can I still live life comfortably and live life the way that I want to , and get into heaven , and that's why we ask the wrong questions .

Speaker 1 16:55

The truth is that God knows you , he loves you , he wants the best for you , and everything that he has written and given to us in Scripture , in His commands , in His principles and precepts , in His teachings , everything he's given to us because it's the best way to live and if I don't believe that , I'm going to keep asking the wrong questions . But he truly does want our best . So many of us think God has come up with all of these rules and regulations because he just wants to ruin our lives . He doesn't want me to have any fun , and it's just the opposite . He wants the very best for you and that's why I believe Jesus points them back to God's original intent . He's saying you're asking the wrong questions . That's not what God had in mind . He said at the beginning , the Creator made them male and female and said for this reason , a man will leave his father and mother , be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh . So they are no longer two but one flesh . Therefore , what God has joined together , let no one separate . In other words , what can I do to tighten that bond with my wife , my husband ? How can I change to become a better person ? By the way , we are actually… Northgate , my wife and I , starting in two weeks , are going to offer a class called Married for Good .

Speaker 1 18:25

Shameless plug here . And I'm not saying if you don't take this class , you don't care about your marriage . But I am kind of saying you know , do what you can to build your marriage . Instead of looking for ways out , look for ways to deepen and make it better . Marriage is hard work , but it's all about becoming a better person .

Speaker 1 18:54

I've said this before when we marry , we marry a selfish , self-seeking , flawed , sinful individual and the person we marry marries a bigger one , because we are all flawed and we all have our faults and we are all selfish . I will tell you , after almost 48 years now of marriage… I know more of my faults now than I did before and my wife has been very kindly patient with me dealing with all of those things . But let me ask you if on our wedding day , when we got up and stood at the altar in front of the minister and before we said our vows and everything , if I said to my wife listen , what's the least amount of effort I have to put into this relationship and still be married ? What are the chances ? Are that we would have left that altar still married or actually married ? Probably not . But it's an all-in kind of deal and that's true of everything God asks for us . And the good news is , as followers of Jesus , we're not in it alone . He joins us in our lives . He joins us in our marriages . He helps us grow and to change and become a better person .

Speaker 1 20:15

When God allowed for divorce , what he was doing was he was offering a remedy for hard-heartedness , because marriage is built on this covenant . When we make those marriage vows , they are that we will love and cherish , that to honor and keep in sickness and in health , forsaking all others , keeping only to you so long as we both shall live . That's the vow , that's the covenant the pastor Jim talked about earlier , that we make with each other . And when there is a breaking of that covenant , when there's infidelity , when there is something that because of hard-heartedness breaks the covenant , all that God offered as a concession was because it's so hard to put that back together when it's been broken so deeply . He said there is this option called divorce . When trust has been betrayed and covenant broken , it's hard to restore and I have seen that in my 40-plus years of past war ministry . Sometimes , when you make two become one and then you try to separate , pieces of you are left with the other , pieces of the other are left with you . You're never the same Breaking of covenant , god said . I understand it's hard to put that back together and in some situations impossible , and so this was kind of God's merciful remedy . It's not meant to be , but it does happen . So now we get to the hard part , and here's where I'm going to need you to hang with me a little bit more .

Speaker 1 22:21

Jesus went on . He finally does answer Because , remember , they've asked him that the question is is it the any and all or only adultery ? That's the question . And he keeps trying to say wait , you're asking the wrong questions , you're missing the point here . This is what God intended , this is what he wants for you . But if you're going to make me come down on the side , I tell you , anyone who divorces his wife , except for sexual immorality , and marries another woman commits adultery . Now , that's like whoa . But he wants to get their attention and notice he's not making a blanket statement about divorce . What he is doing is he addressing their specific question . And their specific question was is it any and every cause or only adultery ? And Jesus says , if you're going to make me choose , it's not about any and every cause , it's the hard line . And he says so much so , and I don't know if you caught this , but he says it's the offending party . If you divorce your wife for any other reason , if you do this , any and every other cause , if you do that , understand you're the one who's now committing adultery . It's harsh language , but what he's saying is do everything you can to preserve and grow your marriage .

Speaker 1 23:42

Now one more thing I want to say , and it's this whatever your past experience , whatever your heartbreak , whatever your brokenness , let God redeem it by his grace . We have a saying around here , we've said it from a number of years now there is nothing so broken that it cannot be mended . There is no one so lost that they cannot be found , and there is nothing so dead that God cannot resurrect . You see , divorce happens and it's painful and there's heartbreak . But I want you to hear this Divorce is not an unpardonable sin . If you've been divorced , you are not a second-class citizen in the kingdom of God . In fact , if you truly want to know Jesus' heart for the broken hearted and the divorced , you can go to John , chapter 5 , john's Gospel , chapter 4 .

Speaker 1 24:48

And Jesus has an encounter with a woman . He's been teaching and preaching and towards the hot part of the day they've taken a break . His disciples go into town to find food . He's hanging out at a well and at this well a woman comes to draw a well A Samaritan woman . What you need to know is Samaritans were kind of outcasts to the Jews . They were half-breeds and so she's kind of an outcast to Jesus anyway as a Jew who would be . But then she's also here to draw water at the hottest part of the day when nobody else is around , because usually you draw water in the morning when it's still cool because you've got to carry it back , or in the evenings when the thing is cooled down , but in the hot part of the day , coming alone , she's an outcast in her own village , in her own society .

Speaker 1 25:36

And Jesus has this conversation with her . They're sitting there by this well and he says you drink from this well , you're going to get thirsty again , but there's a drink… there's a water that I have for you that'll quench you for a lifetime , because there's a deeper thirst in every one of us and it's a thirst of the soul . He says I can give you that living water . And in the conversation she keeps asking him questions about this and she starts to perceive this is no ordinary guy . He's telling me something I got to get a handle on it .

Speaker 1 26:12

And somewhere in the conversation Jesus says now go get your husband . And she says I don't have a husband . And he says you're right when you say you have no husband . The fact is you've had five husbands and the man you are with now is not your husband . Now that seems awfully harsh , jesus . Why would you bring that up ? Because he's saying I know you , I know the real you and it's the real you that I'm offering living water . It's the real you that I am giving this eternal life . He says you don't have to pretend with me , you don't have to cover up . You be yourself , because it's the real you that I'm giving you this gift of eternal life , this living water . Because his grace is not only about forgiveness , it's about restoration and renewal , and because he comes to her and truly she is present with him , wide open , she can find this living water that he's offering . And that's what it means to be present with God Anytime you want to be present with God . It's going to mean some soul searching , it's going to mean some open-heartedness , it's going to be honesty for yourself and before God .

Speaker 1 27:36

I have a prayer journal . This is the latest iteration of it . I've had series of these since in the 40 years I was a pastor . This is where I get honest with God . This is where I tell him about my struggles , my failures , my flaws , and I'll be honest with you . Very often it's hard to be honest with this . It's hard to be honest before God . Part of it is because I'm afraid someday someone else is going to get a hold of my prayer journal and say whoa , whoa , whoa .

Speaker 1 28:25

But see , the only way to be present with God is to be open and honest with him . And because she's open and honest with him , she finds living water . And in fact , jesus not only takes her and accepts her the way she is , he turns her around and redeems her experiences . She understands that something so powerful has happened to her . She runs back into the village and it says in verses 29 and 30, . She went to the village and she said to everyone come see a man who told me everything I ever did . Could this be the Messiah ? And they came out of the town and made their way toward him . Because she was open and honest , because she was present with Jesus , she could go and represent him to her whole village .

Being Honest With Christ

Speaker 1 29:18

Honestly , everything I ever did is what it takes to be present and to represent Christ in this world . We're honest about our flaws and our mistakes and our fears . We're honest with him , we're honest with ourselves and even honest with the people around us . Because you don't want to be a hypocrite , you want to be the real you , because it's the real you that Jesus can use . And it goes on and it says many Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony . He told me everything I ever did and because of his words , many more became believers .

Speaker 1 30:01

See , I believe that Jesus wants every aspect of our lives , of our families , of our marriages , every representative of him and his mercy , his grace and his love . And so that's really the bigger issue . Yes , it's about divorce , but it's about something much , much bigger . It's the kind of questions that we ask , it's the attitude of our hearts , it's being honest before him and being honest before the world so that Jesus can shine through . Chew about your heads with me .

Speaker 1 30:47

I don't know your struggles . I don't know your faults , failures . I don't know the state of your marriage or if you're not married or if you are . I don't know your heartbreak and your hurts , but I do know this there is a God who loves you just the way you are . In the same way he came to the Samaritan woman at a well , he wants to give you that life , that living water . And , wherever you're at and whatever you've experienced , god can take it and redeem it , forgive and restore and then use you to help somebody else . And it's about just being honest for him , learning to ask the better questions , trusting that his way really is the best way to live and letting him redeem your past .

Speaker 1 31:51

So , wherever you're at today and whatever your struggle might be , I think really our prayer is the same , and maybe this is your prayer for the very first time . I just want to invite you to join me in this Lord . Here I am . You know everything I have ever done . You know my hurts , my heartbreak . You know my struggle , my sin , my flaws , my failures . You know it all . I have nothing to offer you except this bag of stuff , but I thank you that you love me anyway so much that you gave your son to give his life so that I could have life . And today I'm just emptying it all out on you . Take me the way that I am Love me , in my family , in my marriage , in my life . Teach me to follow you wholeheartedly and give it to you in Jesus' name Amen .